Thank you for joining today’s session! As we gear up for the new season, we have some exciting new faces among us, alongside teams we’ve seen in the league too many times before. Is that who I think it is? Yes, it’s him—he seems to follow us everywhere!

Now, let’s get to it. Welcome to the Premier League! You enjoyed dominating the Championship last year, didn’t you? Good, because that fun ends today. Brace yourselves: your experiences this season will be unimaginably challenging and twice as expensive. So, who’s ready to go straight back down? That’s the spirit!

This season, the greatest joy you’ll encounter will likely be a two-all draw away at Crystal Palace. You are no longer the dominant team you once were; instead, you are now the “plucky underdogs.” What are you? Plucky, that’s right!

Let’s role-play an opening day surprise win. How do you react? “We can compete in this league like never before! We could even push for a top-six finish!” No, no, no! Incorrect! This result will only help us avoid relegation on the final day. Well done!

Now, moving on to the January transfer window: what are your tactics? Spend big to be competitive? No, not with Financial Fair Play in place! Only the big clubs can afford to spend heavily. Instead, consider bringing Johnny Evans back on loan—he might be worth as much as a single point by the end of the season. Or how about buying an informed striker from League One who could help next year in the Championship? Absolutely right!

Congratulations, you are now fully prepared for a season filled with broken dreams and abject mediocrity. Excuse me, where is the room for parachute payments and receiverships? You want two doors down next to 115 charges? Legal Q&A? Cheers! We’ll be back next year, on Scotty Parker, of course. Yes, of course you will. Now, put that guitar down!